He Does Exist!

Not an atheist

Cos it needs courage,

A sense of doubtless supremacy

And an unshaken confidence

Not a theist

Cos it needs faith

A sense of doubtless supremacy

And an unshaken belief

It is in the midst I stand

In neutrality I so detest

Yet conclusion less search

And countless queries..

At the temple I stand

With all effort at devotion

Yet an uncertainty at the bottom

Eyes closed I pray, tightening at the doubts..

Guilt conquers

At my absence there

But it is conscience

That suffers by presence

Who am I cheating

The Lord or me

If He is uncheatable, the doubt is gone

But that’s where the doubt lies

God exists yes

But I want to feel Him

Cos Godliness is

But a feeling, truest and intense

Is it the same as the joy

That embraces notes of music

Slipping through the heart

Into the depths of the soul?

Is it the same as the ecstasy

Of words that spin a poem

Wrapping my all

With its completeness?

Is it the same as the tears

Pure and sweet

That love exudes

With its perception?

With every experience

I get filled

What fills I don’t know

But clarity I do gain

Life is but a search,

The journey of learning

Questions are the beginning

And Lord is the destination!!

Expectation is..

Expectation is
but a retrospective realisation...
a long time desire,
finally blossoms into reality,
yet a paradoxical emptiness,
the apparent lack of fulfilment..

cos what you actually desire
you never know...

dreams you have
for the yours to be..
but you never find the one
that matches d dream..

but when someone you meet
and instantly know you have found him..
it is, but the confluence of reality
and of subconscious expectations...

something we name instinct...!!

Recurring Smile

Sharp moves,
Brilliance sprouting,
Statically sweating,
At the edge of seat….
On the black and white board,
Through nervy games,
With every check I confront,
Cant help a recurring smile…

Speedy moves,
Pursuing the goal,
Profusely sweating,
Adrenaline rushing,
Kicking the black and white sphere,
Through overwrought games,
With every kick,
Cant help a recurring smile…

Swift moves,
Elegantly budging,
From key to key,
Transcending to another world,
Shoving on the black and white piano,
Through lilting melodies,
With every compressed key,
Cant help a recurring smile…

Every entity
Black and white….
Cant help a recurring smile…
Remind they do, of those…
Sharp,
Brilliant,
Edgy(while looking at me!)
Speedy,
Swift,
Elegant,
Transcending,
Lilting,

Recurruing

smiling
Eyes!

Oh My Thoughts!

Perplexity misting lucidity
Lucidity unraveling perplexity
Again peeling off into lucidity
The core is lucid or otherwise
Is yet another perplexity..

Dense when I blithely blether
Denser still when silence steals within
Sometimes levity prevails
Sometimes to lampoon giving in..

Unknown roots
Unfathomable depths
Unconquered expanse
Unimaginable impact…

Immuring me in the labyrinth
A prisoner of freedom
A Freedom to prison thoughts
Blending the oxymoron into one…


Yet I let….
But why?

such vastness to be
Shrunken by a single notion?

Such versatility to be narrowed
into one single thought?

Such density to be slimmed
By a single deliberation?

Such amorphous sea to be replaced
by a human form?


(Call it rationalization
Or intellectualization….)

I am not letting anymore..

I am shut to Love!!

The Black n White Dream

Our dreams poles apart

Ours and theirs…

Dreams come in black and white, they say

And ours was no exception…

Bloated and swollen with accumulated aspirations

Black and white alternating,

Our dream lay in the midst..

Ever since the battle kicked off,

We too have been..

Kissing victory or espousing defeat

The next few minutes will decide…

Eleventh hour we have arrived at

The eleven of us.

And towards the goal we run…..

And what a goal it was!!!!!

Where..?

It is not the sulci and gyri,
they listen to me
It is not the four chambers
they seem unperturbed in the beat

Where do you reside, tell me
Where are you in me,
Where i have no say,
And where stillness is the living way

"Where life resides in you" he asked
"Where death whistles its arrival
Where joy dwells, peeping now and then
Where search is futile yet the fulcrum"

He smiled.
And me too
"Where this smile roots from"
And i smiled even more....

When I...

When I speak,
You are the silence that creeps in,
The irrelevance that intrudes
The stutter that frequents
And the words that I never sound

When I see,
You are the space I gaze into
An absent look I pretend
The shape that takes every particle beyond eyes
And the mirage I feign that it is not one

When I walk,
You are the parallel I sought
But I hear the footsteps within
You are the fingers that I craved to hold
And the tremor that haunts mine

When I think,
You are the thought I hanker and dread
You are the sole tenant of my mind space, and the vacuum
You are the question I ponder
And the answer I never try to seek

When I live,
You are the breath I hold, and renounce
You are the search, the reach
You are the pain I stomach
And the life I lack


When I sleep ,
You are the darkness that clutches me
The tears that wet my pillow, swearing each time as last
You are the sleep I long for
And you are the long sleep....

Words Of Silence

Monomers of a sentence

But polymers for an infant

The carrier of meaning

But delicate as a woman

The lingual marvel they say

But I don’t agree, nay

There I see words dancing through

The air n I look for the source, who else but u

Through the busy crowds I spot

Your prowling eyes radiating every thought

Every look ejects a word

Chained by me into a ballad

Monomers of a sentence

But polymers for an infant

The carrier of meaning

That carried me away

Those subtle messages

U deliver through those tiny passages

Talk? O need not

Just roll those twins about

Not to mention the twinkle

That frequents, n then a sorta chuckle

I cogitate a little while

N get the meaning of all that smile

Monomers of a sentence

But polymers for an infant

The carrier of meaning

That gave me a life sentence

Hours together we spend

With no sounding of word

But every word so sound

No knowledge whats happening around

I do hear words craft a noise

Well, it’s the pen scratching the paper, a poetical voice

Silence was all that prevailed

Yet, d joy of an epic said

Monomers of silence

But polymers for my tongue

The carrier of my soul

Your eyes, its source

A Supported Fall

I finally graduate to a bicycle

That’s got just two wheels..

And I take off fearlessly,

Inclined always to my left,

As if circling something,

I steep and waver

But with not the slightest element of fright..

Cos I know you are there,

Holding the bike and me

Not leaving it for an instant,

And I loved you so much that day dad,

Cos you were the sole support I leant on..

Time elapsed…

And I continue taking off,

And oh, time and again you fail my side..

You leave me to myself,

Looking at me from a distance..

And you don’t know how frightening this is!

I sway, waver, stumble

And finally I am on my way to fall..

And you appear from nowhere,

Just in time to halt my fall,

Oh I loved you so much that day dad

Cos you were the support that prevented my fall..

Time in its habit elapsed again..

And I don’t see you at all dad..!

I am to myself completely..

But it is not fear of loneliness now,

But a joy of independence..

And I don’t search you too..

Oh I hit somewhere,

I stumble, waver, faulter

And on my way to fall,

And I fall with a thud..

And I see you at a distance

Walking calmly to me,

You dress the bruise,

And rise me up again,

Hand me my bike,

And disappear..

And I loved you so much that day dad,

Cos you were the support that let me fall..

And I now know why I fell..

You gave me support to rise again from the fall..

And someday maybe

I will know how to rise too..!!

You Are Broken!!

Between the world and me, you lie all along

Through you is my wprld, every frame

One person I am all ears, that’s you

Only other that rides on my nose, than anger..

And today you are shattered, broken

And my world goes blank

I am deaf all off a sudden

I am blind to all happenings

Life has lost its spectacles

Cos mines broken too!!!! [J]

All That I Am Left With

On the street that bore us hand in hand,

Just two feet traverse today,

And every other day

Since you retired onto those four corners

I yearn to peep into..

I walk the memory lane,

Sometimes punctuated with withered flowers,

Sometimes with pearls of snow,

Sometimes with floods meandering,

Sometimes with only hot stones and tar..

Yet I walk every season

When the moon ascends

And takes its pole,

As on the days past..

The only other that knows I was in your life,

And that you were mine..

Its for that glimpse I walk,

For that I long to see,

And so I stop,

At the yellow rectangle..

The ever illuminated darkness of your house..

The windows you used to peep from,

Now its my turn..

As I look through closed glassy backdrop,

A small shadow on the wall..

That I curse myself for not owning,

And plan to break in to retrieve..

Its that sight I came for,

Amd I am walking back,

Maybe tomorrow I will take it somehow..

But I know I wouldnt,

Cos for now,

That’s the only task that keeps me going,

Some purpose that drives me..

The black rectangle

among the bigger yellow,

The shadow of your portrait

Beyond the window..

A Halt, But Brief

Through the mercedes window,

Lowering the glass for a clearer view,

Sacrificing a few moments

Of ‘conditioned comfort’,

Watching as if it is a never before sight,

With all concern expressed

Conspicuously in eyes,

I look on,

During a traffic halt..

Windows written all over,

Interrupted here and there with cloth,

Peeping with anticipation as if into a treasury,

Picking with joy, as if it is gold and jewellery,

The bone and smiles boy yonder,

Is all that I am looking at..

Wondered many a times,

What he would carry in that sack,

With energy just enough to pull himself on,

What objects of importance is he pulling on..

A tear rolls the threshold of my eyes,

Cos the emotional threshold reached..

Questions crowd as to when this sight will disappear,

Anger builds against some anonymous body

Conveniently named society,

Frustration at the government,

Fury at the looters of law..

And I look at the boys face,

Flawless and promising,

The lean body, fatless and demanding..

A drive to let out my hand and pick him up,

Alas, but just then, the driver drove on..

The traffic light had cleared..

I look at the watch,

I am late by half hour!

And I curse the inefficient driver,

The ever late parlour girl,

The time consuming calls,

And the ever long traffic signal!

Ha thank God,

After all I was not very late,

The party had just begun

And the booze is still on..!

‘society and the poor’ is the running conversation,

and I butt in with my todays experience,

oh what an audience I commanded..!!

They Didn’t Follow Suit

My words take different forms,

Abstract situations,

Cranky thoughts,

Punning metaphors,

Satirical emotions,

Cynical conclusions…

And over my shoulder

As you read,

I saw in your eyes,

The poem running..

Just as I had written it..

After all, was it not a reflection?

And I wrote with greater vigour

Happiness etching each line,

Words popped up from nowhere,

Racing with each other

To help my fulfillment of obsession,

And my obsession of fulfillment..

The former cos I spawn and own them,

The latter cos you cherish and relish them..

And thus graffiti took shape,

Acquired form, gathered life..

And became poem..

But..

When you left..

They didn’t follow suit,

Only.. you became the poem..!!

A Heavy Downpour And After..

Not when the clouds darken I think about you,

Cos I never look up..

Not when they burst into rain,

Cos my ears are plugged..

Not when the drops drip from the leaves,

Cos my windows are shut..

Not when I stamp on my reflection,

Cos I never look down..

Not when running streams push me on,

Cos nothing pushes me these days..

Not when the umbrella slips past my hand,

Cos nothing more can slip..

Not when I am drenched to the fullest,

Cos nothing wets me these days..

And then when everything’s done,

When the rain’s abated..

The fragrance

From the wet sand,

Gathers up,

Jeering at the futile mighty forces,

With its mocking subtlety

Betrays my eyes,

Eludes my windows,

Evades my ear plugs,

Pierces my heart..

I realize..

The residual capacity

Of heavy downpours..!!

In Circles, I Run

Seems like I am running in circles,

Cos I keep landing on a similar point,

That I started with..

And I realize it falls away from the cicle,

Not completing it,

But forming another..

This I take cautious steps,

Different points this circle has,

But some where a sense of déjà vu..

Or rather a premonition of the difference!!

And I run in circles..

The radius increasing each time

So that I don’t take the same one again..

How many times have I been tempted

To return to a favorite spot,

But that would mean the circle is stopped,

And it cant..

Sometimes I am tempted to look back,

At a few points of reminiscence

And there goes the present circle,

Wavy and jittery..

And I get back to reality..

Running around in circles,

I grew tall..

I am akin the tree..

That when finally cut,

Shows circles of paths!!

And then I have all the time to look back,

Look on….

sky n Me

Where does the sky begin..

From the lowest cloud??

Maybe..

Where does it end..

At the farthest cloud??

Maybe..

Spherical maybe it is

Cos that’s the shape of earth

Or hemi, cos land butts in too..

So where does the sky end into land?

And where does it begin from it??

Pulls up the sun from its cold oceanic abode

And hands back at dusk..

So where does the sky exchange..

At the beginning or end or in the midst??

When man impaled the atmosphere,

To set foot out of earth,

He traversed out of the sky or into it?

Or maybe through it?

So where does the sky begin..

On earth or away??

Where does the sky exist..

On earth or away…??

Well… does the sky exist??......

Questions unanswered..

And will remain so till mankind discovers

There is no sky…

And hence I fly

On land..

With feet on earth

I fly..

Not in sky, but in life..

Defy it and I shall prove..

No queries, no answers

But you got to feel as I do

High…above…

And when you don’t,

Sky will exist

It will never begin, never end..

And you shall never fly!

Does It ‘Matter’ Still?

To nothingness,

Matter does eventuate..

That it is neither created nor destroyed,

Has exceptions, in its new state

Hassling the waves,

Rainbow painted,

Traverses a bubble.

Is it mass?

But it vanishes into nonexistence

Is it an illusion?

But its colours were extant

So what was it

My travel in your love??

Waiting To Live, Living To Wait

Waiting I am,

For this glum moment to pass,

Into a moment I could actually feel

The heaviness of a past

And rejoice its absence…

Waiting I am,

For this joyous time to pass,

Into a time when I could actually feel

The happiness of a past

Conspicuous by n cos of its absence…

Waiting I am,

For these tears to dry,

A time, when I could laugh over it

Shy and mature…

Waiting I am,

For these smiles to straighten

A time, when I could shed tears

Over the great times gone

Emotional and immature…

When the wait ends

Is when I would actually live..

But the wait ends

When I cease to..

So Lord,

Keep me waiting,

Keep me smiling, crying

Keep me happy, gloomy

Keep me busy

So that I don’t realize I am waiting…

'Starring' Love

Upon the black canvass

A facsimile, I endeavour

Silver dipped bristles at hand

An artist sprouted that I was never

Zany mind, I have chided my own as

Today it comes with even greater fervor

Pointillism may be you could call it

As I sprinkled silver all over

So what was the try,

Why am I jubilant

Cos we just witnessed my theory

Of evolution of stars

Well you should have expected when I meant crazy

Anyway now you would

But I stick on and worry

cos though my replica perfect

Their glitter and twinkle are somewhere buried..

Defying You, I began a creation

Funny and ninny true

Yet the glitter I want it somehow

cos I want to challenge you

They say You made the stars, and I made them too

But what is missing is life

That sparkles through

Laughing my way home, at my new way of

Expressing love

I see her running over me

The effaced longing,

Evidenced by the overflowing glee

With love full of me, she hugged

With me full of love, we flee

As ever into a land unknown

Where no stars, no earth from which to free

So heres my creation oh Lord

That I brought into her eyes

The purest twinkle and glitter

That my love devised

Not a distance feigned

Furnace disguised

And it is to arrive at this

I babbled about chart and art

But the essence is I challenge

You now to better mine…..

Or perhaps Yours??!!

She Is Ours, I Am Yours..

The ecstasy of manufacture

Was but profound

And hence the pain of production too..

A world of just you and me, you dreamt

And here I bring to the world

A being packed with just you and me

My gift to you or yours to me?

Pain of mine is but physical,

And even that subsides

With every step of your pacing

I hear at the corridor.

I scream, I cry,

Yes, my physical response to physiology

Yet my inner self is, but at the height of fruition

Comparable only to the glee of our splicing..

Let it pain less, you pray

But I have no prayers

Cos mine have already been answered

With every wave of pain,

I am re-living you in me

Let it last any long..

And finally they say she is out

A ‘she’ that you wanted

And I know why!

She cries her first

And it is the first I see you cry too.

Storming into the room,

I wait for you to pick her up

To devour the joy of fatherhood

To break the months of anticipation

To hold yours in your arms

To embrace her that

You waited for all this long.

But here you come straight,

Not a look at her

But put my head on your shoulders

With a smile of relief and tears of love,

And that’s when I cried the longest!

How Could I???

Irreplaceable, she was

And that’s the cause of distress now

The heaven that I neared

When she brushed her

Fingers through my hair

When she laughed

At those not so funny jokes

When she grasped

My hands innocently at a crossing

When she enquired

During those depressing moments

Always the first and mostly the only one

When she wet my shoulders

For a lost cat or poor beggar

When she came running

Even as I neared the gate

When she cooked my fav

And watched me eat, with joy

When she ate it later

And cried like a child, at my plight and lie

When she slept on my shoulder

All through the night,

On the first day of her illness..

When she made me sleep on hers,

On the last day of it

Not a child any more

Cos she knew something more….

The heaven that I neared

Could never be re-lived

And that’s the cause of distress now

Cos here I am, nearing the same with you!

Did I love her less, or did she?

how do I forget the pain of hers, whenever you pass by?

Does not love come only once?

I see her in you

I live with her through you

My love of hers has brought her back

Only in a different physical form..

And all this I say, but to comfort me,

Yet the answer to my question

I still have not found

How could I love a second time???

All That You Undid

You talk of a girl

And my ears pick up

Fuming within

When you call her cute

Oh how civilized I used to be?

You exhibit levity

And I laugh like a child

Amidst a bewildered crowd.

I laugh even louder when alone

Oh how cultured I used to be?

A mild ache you complain

And pillar to post I run

Sleep eluding, peace evading

Till health smiles

Oh how dispassionate I used to be?

You promise to drop in

And am the doorway all day

All work pushed into the house, out of me

Idle I stand, waiting..

Oh what a workaholic I used to be?

And then you ring up

You could not make it that day, apologies galore

Not a word impaled me,

As I burst into tears, as if the world had halted

Oh how composed I used to be?

We walk on the road

And how hard you clutch me at the crossing

Stopping for chocs, dropping bags with intent

All for your mollycoddle

Oh how mature I used to be

Today, at your tomb

Dry eyed, flower handed, empty hearted

I stand, civilized, cultured, dispassionate, composed, mature…

All that you undid, back with full vigour

Oh how humanlike I used to be!

Leaking Away

Subtle, absorbing…

Into my book on desk I am,

Pages turned at the speed of wind

Intent and rapt

At the music of merging

Rapture of rhyme

Deftness of daub..

Subtle, absorbing…

Staring into the book on desk I am,

Pages turned by the wind..

Glued, immured

By the splendor of splodge

Fidelity of friction

Daintiness of a dive..

Subtle, absorbing…

But I re-opened the book

And finally closed the tap!!!

Zombie of War

A line

And am crossing it maybe

Cracking, comminuted

Brown streaks across the sky

Leaves dripping

From the moving clouds

As I lay under

A hovering tree

A thin line

And am crossing it maybe

Cracking, comminuted

Brown streaks across the land

Leaves sprouting

From the static sand

As I lay hovering

The tree under

A thin line of demarcation

And am crossing it maybe

Cracking, comminuted

Red streaks across life

Blood dripping, sprouting

From the static corpses, moving souls

As I lay amidst

The battle yonder

A thin line of demarcation

And I have crossed it maybe

Between sanity and lunacy…..

You are the rays

Unrippling the expanse

Yet percolating

Pushing away every molecule

Ricocheting all obstacles

The screen from the sky

My roof second to surface

Fall the rays

Tickling me back to life

a vegetation on the bed of sea..

You are the rays...

Change...

Sans change,

not love is

Cos sans change,

change is..

object of change

today our love is, yours and mine

but on our object of change, yours and mine

a change is..

the object of love

you changed..

with object to change

in my love too

a change is..

from sweet to bitter!!