Habit Is...

Habit is..

I miss my bus,
Am late for work,
The boss is all curse
A sleepy meeting,
A delicious tea,
A beautiful downpour,
Wow, I got home drenched!
I call you up,
Sum up all these,
The day is complete..

Habit is..

Your morning messages,
Lunch time enquiries,
Evening calls,
Good night poems..
Week end outings..
Your summaries..
Your sharing..

Habit is..

When a morning message is skipped,
Heart beat does too..
And then sometimes none at all till evening..
I call and thrash and complain,
Cos not a single time of day could pass,
With you not being a part of..

Habit is..

The skips become more frequent..
The complaints less..
I can manage a part of the day single..
After all you’re busy
I convince myself

Habit is..

A day now is skipped..
And no summaries..
No enquires a full day!
I wait some days till you call,
I call to thrash some days..
Yet some days I carry on just fine..

Habit is..

A few days together it is now..
And I manage them fine, with out you..

Habit is..

Weeks of course..
Fuming, cribbing, complaining, waiting,
I go through it.
I can sense the lack o something in you,
Interest? Love? Commitment?

Habit is..

And today I tackle months..
What seemed impossible for a few hours,
Now has extended itself..
Not with ease, Not without aches,
But with much less intensity..
I know years ought to pass too..
N I know I’ll make it fine..

A time will come when you are not part of life..
And I know I can take that too..

So habit is
This..

But..

Love is?

Cos Life Still Is...

I knew all along
that this was you
the person you are
and what all you would do..
I knew all along..

Love is not finding the person you love,
but loving the person you find..
and hence as the person i wanted you to be,
i drew your picture in mind..
love is not finding the person you love..

In the comfort zone i lay
not wavered by waves of rationality,
not wheedled by weeds of logic,
not bowdlerized by bouts of sanity..
in the comfort zone i lay..

I am shocked now, yes..
when the inevitable occured,
when my buried fears dusted themselves out,
when my wilful nonexpectations realised themselves,
when you finally walked out..
I am shocked now, yes..

But why..
not cos of the shock of misinterpretation,
not the shock of being lone,
not the shock of betrayal,
but the shocked state of loss of comfort zone..
But why..

cos life is..
but the victory over uncertainities,
and the victory is the comfort,
and the comfort is the state of feigned fulfilment,
feigned it always will be.. and hence i can keep making an effort..
cos life still is…..

Expectation is..

Expectation is
but a retrospective realisation...
a long time desire,
finally blossoms into reality,
yet a paradoxical emptiness,
the apparent lack of fulfilment..

cos what you actually desire
you never know...

dreams you have
for the yours to be..
but you never find the one
that matches d dream..

but when someone you meet
and instantly know you have found him..
it is, but the confluence of reality
and of subconscious expectations...

something we name instinct...!!

Recurring Smile

Sharp moves,
Brilliance sprouting,
Statically sweating,
At the edge of seat….
On the black and white board,
Through nervy games,
With every check I confront,
Cant help a recurring smile…

Speedy moves,
Pursuing the goal,
Profusely sweating,
Adrenaline rushing,
Kicking the black and white sphere,
Through overwrought games,
With every kick,
Cant help a recurring smile…

Swift moves,
Elegantly budging,
From key to key,
Transcending to another world,
Shoving on the black and white piano,
Through lilting melodies,
With every compressed key,
Cant help a recurring smile…

Every entity
Black and white….
Cant help a recurring smile…
Remind they do, of those…
Sharp,
Brilliant,
Edgy(while looking at me!)
Speedy,
Swift,
Elegant,
Transcending,
Lilting,

Recurruing

smiling
Eyes!

Oh My Thoughts!

Perplexity misting lucidity
Lucidity unraveling perplexity
Again peeling off into lucidity
The core is lucid or otherwise
Is yet another perplexity..

Dense when I blithely blether
Denser still when silence steals within
Sometimes levity prevails
Sometimes to lampoon giving in..

Unknown roots
Unfathomable depths
Unconquered expanse
Unimaginable impact…

Immuring me in the labyrinth
A prisoner of freedom
A Freedom to prison thoughts
Blending the oxymoron into one…


Yet I let….
But why?

such vastness to be
Shrunken by a single notion?

Such versatility to be narrowed
into one single thought?

Such density to be slimmed
By a single deliberation?

Such amorphous sea to be replaced
by a human form?


(Call it rationalization
Or intellectualization….)

I am not letting anymore..

I am shut to Love!!

Where..?

It is not the sulci and gyri,
they listen to me
It is not the four chambers
they seem unperturbed in the beat

Where do you reside, tell me
Where are you in me,
Where i have no say,
And where stillness is the living way

"Where life resides in you" he asked
"Where death whistles its arrival
Where joy dwells, peeping now and then
Where search is futile yet the fulcrum"

He smiled.
And me too
"Where this smile roots from"
And i smiled even more....

When I...

When I speak,
You are the silence that creeps in,
The irrelevance that intrudes
The stutter that frequents
And the words that I never sound

When I see,
You are the space I gaze into
An absent look I pretend
The shape that takes every particle beyond eyes
And the mirage I feign that it is not one

When I walk,
You are the parallel I sought
But I hear the footsteps within
You are the fingers that I craved to hold
And the tremor that haunts mine

When I think,
You are the thought I hanker and dread
You are the sole tenant of my mind space, and the vacuum
You are the question I ponder
And the answer I never try to seek

When I live,
You are the breath I hold, and renounce
You are the search, the reach
You are the pain I stomach
And the life I lack


When I sleep ,
You are the darkness that clutches me
The tears that wet my pillow, swearing each time as last
You are the sleep I long for
And you are the long sleep....

Words Of Silence

Monomers of a sentence

But polymers for an infant

The carrier of meaning

But delicate as a woman

The lingual marvel they say

But I don’t agree, nay

There I see words dancing through

The air n I look for the source, who else but u

Through the busy crowds I spot

Your prowling eyes radiating every thought

Every look ejects a word

Chained by me into a ballad

Monomers of a sentence

But polymers for an infant

The carrier of meaning

That carried me away

Those subtle messages

U deliver through those tiny passages

Talk? O need not

Just roll those twins about

Not to mention the twinkle

That frequents, n then a sorta chuckle

I cogitate a little while

N get the meaning of all that smile

Monomers of a sentence

But polymers for an infant

The carrier of meaning

That gave me a life sentence

Hours together we spend

With no sounding of word

But every word so sound

No knowledge whats happening around

I do hear words craft a noise

Well, it’s the pen scratching the paper, a poetical voice

Silence was all that prevailed

Yet, d joy of an epic said

Monomers of silence

But polymers for my tongue

The carrier of my soul

Your eyes, its source

All That I Am Left With

On the street that bore us hand in hand,

Just two feet traverse today,

And every other day

Since you retired onto those four corners

I yearn to peep into..

I walk the memory lane,

Sometimes punctuated with withered flowers,

Sometimes with pearls of snow,

Sometimes with floods meandering,

Sometimes with only hot stones and tar..

Yet I walk every season

When the moon ascends

And takes its pole,

As on the days past..

The only other that knows I was in your life,

And that you were mine..

Its for that glimpse I walk,

For that I long to see,

And so I stop,

At the yellow rectangle..

The ever illuminated darkness of your house..

The windows you used to peep from,

Now its my turn..

As I look through closed glassy backdrop,

A small shadow on the wall..

That I curse myself for not owning,

And plan to break in to retrieve..

Its that sight I came for,

Amd I am walking back,

Maybe tomorrow I will take it somehow..

But I know I wouldnt,

Cos for now,

That’s the only task that keeps me going,

Some purpose that drives me..

The black rectangle

among the bigger yellow,

The shadow of your portrait

Beyond the window..

They Didn’t Follow Suit

My words take different forms,

Abstract situations,

Cranky thoughts,

Punning metaphors,

Satirical emotions,

Cynical conclusions…

And over my shoulder

As you read,

I saw in your eyes,

The poem running..

Just as I had written it..

After all, was it not a reflection?

And I wrote with greater vigour

Happiness etching each line,

Words popped up from nowhere,

Racing with each other

To help my fulfillment of obsession,

And my obsession of fulfillment..

The former cos I spawn and own them,

The latter cos you cherish and relish them..

And thus graffiti took shape,

Acquired form, gathered life..

And became poem..

But..

When you left..

They didn’t follow suit,

Only.. you became the poem..!!

A Heavy Downpour And After..

Not when the clouds darken I think about you,

Cos I never look up..

Not when they burst into rain,

Cos my ears are plugged..

Not when the drops drip from the leaves,

Cos my windows are shut..

Not when I stamp on my reflection,

Cos I never look down..

Not when running streams push me on,

Cos nothing pushes me these days..

Not when the umbrella slips past my hand,

Cos nothing more can slip..

Not when I am drenched to the fullest,

Cos nothing wets me these days..

And then when everything’s done,

When the rain’s abated..

The fragrance

From the wet sand,

Gathers up,

Jeering at the futile mighty forces,

With its mocking subtlety

Betrays my eyes,

Eludes my windows,

Evades my ear plugs,

Pierces my heart..

I realize..

The residual capacity

Of heavy downpours..!!

Does It ‘Matter’ Still?

To nothingness,

Matter does eventuate..

That it is neither created nor destroyed,

Has exceptions, in its new state

Hassling the waves,

Rainbow painted,

Traverses a bubble.

Is it mass?

But it vanishes into nonexistence

Is it an illusion?

But its colours were extant

So what was it

My travel in your love??

'Starring' Love

Upon the black canvass

A facsimile, I endeavour

Silver dipped bristles at hand

An artist sprouted that I was never

Zany mind, I have chided my own as

Today it comes with even greater fervor

Pointillism may be you could call it

As I sprinkled silver all over

So what was the try,

Why am I jubilant

Cos we just witnessed my theory

Of evolution of stars

Well you should have expected when I meant crazy

Anyway now you would

But I stick on and worry

cos though my replica perfect

Their glitter and twinkle are somewhere buried..

Defying You, I began a creation

Funny and ninny true

Yet the glitter I want it somehow

cos I want to challenge you

They say You made the stars, and I made them too

But what is missing is life

That sparkles through

Laughing my way home, at my new way of

Expressing love

I see her running over me

The effaced longing,

Evidenced by the overflowing glee

With love full of me, she hugged

With me full of love, we flee

As ever into a land unknown

Where no stars, no earth from which to free

So heres my creation oh Lord

That I brought into her eyes

The purest twinkle and glitter

That my love devised

Not a distance feigned

Furnace disguised

And it is to arrive at this

I babbled about chart and art

But the essence is I challenge

You now to better mine…..

Or perhaps Yours??!!

She Is Ours, I Am Yours..

The ecstasy of manufacture

Was but profound

And hence the pain of production too..

A world of just you and me, you dreamt

And here I bring to the world

A being packed with just you and me

My gift to you or yours to me?

Pain of mine is but physical,

And even that subsides

With every step of your pacing

I hear at the corridor.

I scream, I cry,

Yes, my physical response to physiology

Yet my inner self is, but at the height of fruition

Comparable only to the glee of our splicing..

Let it pain less, you pray

But I have no prayers

Cos mine have already been answered

With every wave of pain,

I am re-living you in me

Let it last any long..

And finally they say she is out

A ‘she’ that you wanted

And I know why!

She cries her first

And it is the first I see you cry too.

Storming into the room,

I wait for you to pick her up

To devour the joy of fatherhood

To break the months of anticipation

To hold yours in your arms

To embrace her that

You waited for all this long.

But here you come straight,

Not a look at her

But put my head on your shoulders

With a smile of relief and tears of love,

And that’s when I cried the longest!

How Could I???

Irreplaceable, she was

And that’s the cause of distress now

The heaven that I neared

When she brushed her

Fingers through my hair

When she laughed

At those not so funny jokes

When she grasped

My hands innocently at a crossing

When she enquired

During those depressing moments

Always the first and mostly the only one

When she wet my shoulders

For a lost cat or poor beggar

When she came running

Even as I neared the gate

When she cooked my fav

And watched me eat, with joy

When she ate it later

And cried like a child, at my plight and lie

When she slept on my shoulder

All through the night,

On the first day of her illness..

When she made me sleep on hers,

On the last day of it

Not a child any more

Cos she knew something more….

The heaven that I neared

Could never be re-lived

And that’s the cause of distress now

Cos here I am, nearing the same with you!

Did I love her less, or did she?

how do I forget the pain of hers, whenever you pass by?

Does not love come only once?

I see her in you

I live with her through you

My love of hers has brought her back

Only in a different physical form..

And all this I say, but to comfort me,

Yet the answer to my question

I still have not found

How could I love a second time???

All That You Undid

You talk of a girl

And my ears pick up

Fuming within

When you call her cute

Oh how civilized I used to be?

You exhibit levity

And I laugh like a child

Amidst a bewildered crowd.

I laugh even louder when alone

Oh how cultured I used to be?

A mild ache you complain

And pillar to post I run

Sleep eluding, peace evading

Till health smiles

Oh how dispassionate I used to be?

You promise to drop in

And am the doorway all day

All work pushed into the house, out of me

Idle I stand, waiting..

Oh what a workaholic I used to be?

And then you ring up

You could not make it that day, apologies galore

Not a word impaled me,

As I burst into tears, as if the world had halted

Oh how composed I used to be?

We walk on the road

And how hard you clutch me at the crossing

Stopping for chocs, dropping bags with intent

All for your mollycoddle

Oh how mature I used to be

Today, at your tomb

Dry eyed, flower handed, empty hearted

I stand, civilized, cultured, dispassionate, composed, mature…

All that you undid, back with full vigour

Oh how humanlike I used to be!

You are the rays

Unrippling the expanse

Yet percolating

Pushing away every molecule

Ricocheting all obstacles

The screen from the sky

My roof second to surface

Fall the rays

Tickling me back to life

a vegetation on the bed of sea..

You are the rays...

Change...

Sans change,

not love is

Cos sans change,

change is..

object of change

today our love is, yours and mine

but on our object of change, yours and mine

a change is..

the object of love

you changed..

with object to change

in my love too

a change is..

from sweet to bitter!!

With You, Hung My Life

My last few moments on earth am living

Knowing the exact time of death

A bliss not many could get,

And here I stand, holding long every breath

Six, the gong strikes,

Ten more minutes I have to count

Would it be different from the past ten hours counted?

Maybe, cos it is the last lap that’s always hard to mount

The faith I counted upon

Had vanished weeks back

When my plea to the Lord and yours to the law

Ungranted, unpermitting my hitting the sack

Ever since I have been counting actually

To live that moment when I shall die

Death takes the body away, but not the soul they say,

But to me, death attempts a different try

Last night, the last time I ever saw you

Had loads to say

Loads to unburden

Yet a blank stare was all I gave

What could I tell you

That it is alright, am there

And that whatever happens will pass

As always I say, with you on my lap, stroking ur hair?

What could I tell you

That every prob has a way out

Every crisis bears some good

As always I say, when you despair and shout?

Cos this will pass right, but you

with it

And I will be there yes, but helpless as a carcass

There is a way out true, but it is out of life

And stroke your hair I cant, when you are at the lap of gallows

Least I knew your crime when we met

And nothing more now too

Cos I never wanted to know

Why at the ropes end should life end you

And here I wait, outside the gaol

Among the bushes, watching the mist clear,

The dew melt, the sun rise,

The cold wane, and that’s when I begin to shiver

What did you do, was it right or wrong

I never knew, never tried

Does it matter anyway

maybe am the sinner, cos am the punished

I have counted the ten minutes

And I have died

And I walk away, with no tears, no sorrows

After all, aint numbness and death tied??

Darker

Darker than tar, fall

Leaves and trunk, zebra akin

Rows of bowing trees

Paralleling each other in the midst

Shades of green

Mingling with purple and pink

Hoisted in the air by the fierce brown pillar

Yet dark all of them when they fall

Dissecting the bars of shadows

Falls mine, as I stand

That has changed with the suns and moons

Yet I stand unmoved

Waiting alone, you thought

Was perhaps simple

And see what I write

About shadows and life and zebras

I am standing, waiting

Where you left me

Come back,

Cos darker than shadows, fall I.